Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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