I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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