What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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