I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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