I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
