I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
