Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
