Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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