Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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