Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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