please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
