Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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