Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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