I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
