My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
