You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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