Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
