I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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