My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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