I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
