Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
