I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
