You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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