Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
