I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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