just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
