I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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