I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
