Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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