Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
