He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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