I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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