he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
