I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
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How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
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Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.