wakey wakey hands off snakey
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
