I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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