I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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