all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
