we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Pooping to opera.
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