she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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