I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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