Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
