I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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