I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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