There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
