I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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