I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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