i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've blown a few things in my day
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
