in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
