whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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