How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
