wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
