my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
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my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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