When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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