Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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