I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize