some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
