I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
